The following are some of the many questions
we have been asked about Children
during separation and divorce.
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Can I bring my children?
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We have no facilities for looking after
children, unfortunately. Occasionally
people bring very young children to the individual session. However, it is better
to come on your own if you can because you will be freer to talk things over with
the mediator if you know you will not be interrupted. For joint meetings it is
essential that you make arrangements for children to be looked after elsewhere.
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So how do you break the news?
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Choose a moment when you and they are
calm, and there is plenty
of time;
If you can tell them in a neutral way
together, then do;
Give them as much time as they need and
again, keep the lines of
communication open.
With your help and support, the children
can adapt to a new life and
grow into happy and healthy adults.
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Can the children have their say
in mediation?
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Children like to be informed and they
appreciate having their views
and opinions heard. Many children have practical suggestions to
make. Research has shown that children adjust better overall if
channels of communication are kept open (Joseph Rowntree
Report –2001).
We offer to see children of parents who
are using the mediation
service. With parents’ permission we see children for one or
possibly two sessions, on the following basis:
We offer confidentiality to the child
(but we find that most children
wish some of their views to be fed back into the decision-making
process);
We do not report to the Court or any other
agency (unless there
are serious welfare concerns);
We never put pressure on children to resolve
problems on behalf
of parents, who remain responsible for finding solutions;
We assure them that their views will be
taken into account as far
as possible.
We feed back to parents in a mediation
session any issues that
children wish to raise. This information can then form part of the
picture when parents are deciding how best to make plans for
everyone in the future. Children and young people value the
opportunity to have a voice in the decision-making process.
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What can we say to the children?
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Some people wonder if there is a need
to tell children anything.
The trouble is that if children are left in the dark, they will come up
with their own imagined answers.
They may imagine the separation is their
fault, or that one or other
parent has stopped loving them;
They may think if they are good the parent
will return;
Not having an explanation, they may fear
the other parent will leave
them too.
Children don't need all the details, nor
to know whose fault is it
(though that may be very important to you). They do need:
A simple and non-blaming statement of
the fact that you as parents
cannot, and will no longer, live with each other;
To know that they have not caused a separation;
To know that both parents will go on loving
them and will continue
to spend time with them.
Children will be anxious to know what
the future holds. For example,
How they will see the parent who is not
living with them;
Where they will live and whether there
will be any other changes.
If you don't know your future plans yet,
you can say that at the
moment you don't know, that you are working hard to sort them out
and will tell them as soon as possible. Keep the lines of
communication open.
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What arrangements for my child would
be best?
Each situation is unique. You may wish
to consider the following:
• work patterns, the child’s
activities, where people live, etc,
• your child's views, although children
should not be asked to take responsibility for
decisions,
• arrangements that ensure the full
involvement of each parent are likely to be most
helpful to the child,
• keeping a focus on ‘how
the child will spend their time with each parent’ can be
helpful in discussing possible arrangements.
The following is a table of possible issues
that you might like to consider.
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Living Arrangements
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Care and Discipline
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· Term time arrangements
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· Pocket money
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· School holidays and half terms
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· Presents for child
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· Holidays away
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· Bedtime, house rules
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· Special days:
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· Who may discipline and how -
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· Child’s birthday
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e.g. parent, new partner
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· Mother’s Day / Father’s Day
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· Road safety / car seats /
kerb drill / cycle helmets
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· Christmas / New Year
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· Meals, table manners, etc
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· Easter / Whitsun
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· Contact with others
e.g. grandparents, new partner
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· Religious Occasions
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· Child's contact with the other parent e.g. phone calls
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Activities
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Health and Medical Needs
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· Sports
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· Emergency contact – telephone
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· Homework
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· Dietary
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· TV Programmes –rules
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· Treatment, medicine
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· Social Events
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· Hospital visiting
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· Clubs – Youth Organisation
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· Details of GPs involved
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· Other activities or lessons
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· Dealing with disability or other health needs
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Education
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Communication between Parents
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· School report availability
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· Regarding changes to arrangements
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· Attending social events
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· At handovers
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· Parent-teacher meetings
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· By telephone, meeting, email or text?
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· Change of school
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·Prior consultation about what issues?
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· Problems relating to school
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· Special needs–reading etc.
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· School fees (if applicable)
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What do children feel when parents
separate and how can I help?
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Children may experience a whole range
of feelings about the
changes in their family after separation, including:
• confusion about what is happening,
a feeling of being ‘in the dark’,
• loneliness, a sense of isolation,
helplessness and being without
support,
• a sense of being responsible for
parents or siblings,
• anger; frustration,
• jealousy of new partners or ‘step’
siblings,
• grief; sadness; an acute sense
of loss,
• lack of trust in adults,
• divided loyalties,
• a sense of shame
• being different or having to keep
secrets
• pain associated with witnessing
conflict or the unhappiness
of parents
• difficulty in talking about things
openly, relief.
Things that are helpful include:
• protecting him or her from conflict
between the adults,
•communicating openly and listening
carefully,
• not putting pressure on the child
to take sides or choose
between parents,
• parents showing respect to each
other.
Most of all children want there to be
fairness, not in the sense of
equality, but in the sense that everyone’s needs and all the
practicalities are considered.
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1. What our Clients Say
