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We have no doubt that you may have many
questions at this difficult time.
Below are listed a few of the many we get asked on a regular basis, many are
answered elsewhere on the website. However please don't be afraid to pick up
the phone and talk to us, we'll listen before we speak.
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What kind of issues can we discuss?
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There are many issues that need to be
sorted out when people separate, for
example:
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arrangements for children to spend time with each parent,
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schools or school functions,
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channels of communication between parents,
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explanations to children,
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involvement of other parties,
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Financial settlements and financial planning.
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What happens if we are seeking a
financial settlement?
you bring financial information,
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you discuss your priorities and needs,
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you collate the information that you have each brought, making sure you
understand it, and identifying any further information needed,
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your options emerge from the information gathered, you weigh up the
options and decide on the best way forward.
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How can mediation help us when we have such different views?
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The mediator will not take sides or tell you what to do: mediation provides
a space for you to decide things in your own way and in your own time.
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the mediator makes sure you have each been heard,
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helps you to come up with ideas to resolve matters.
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You need to:
• speak respectfully in a mild tone
of voice,
• state your concerns openly without
blame,
• listen carefully without interrupting
to concerns raised |
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Any advice for communicating with
my ex- partner?
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You and your ex-partner have separated.
It may be that you would rather you
did not have to speak to him or her ever again. However, there may be a need
to do so: if there are practical matters to be sorted out, or if you have children.
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It is perfectly normal to have strong
negative feelings about an ex-partner.
There may be an urge to express these feelings. The problem is that continually
expressing negative feelings can create a vicious circle where neither party
can listen to the other: both are locked into a cycle of blame, defensiveness
and attack. No-one can win in these situations; all are losers, especially any
children caught in the middle of the conflict.
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Most of all people want to be heard and
taken seriously. If we are heard, then
we are much more ready to listen and to explore new possibilities. Here are
some tips for making sure you are heard:
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Speak in a normal
tone of voice
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Use respectful
language
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State your concerns openly, without blame,
using ‘I’statements (e.g. ‘I feel upset
by this’rather than ‘you upset me’)
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Don't interrupt:
wait until the other person has finished speaking
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Try not to take his or her concerns as
criticisms (if you become defensive you
won't be able to hear)
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Thank your ex-partner
when he or she does something you think is helpful
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It is self-defeating to stay locked in
the cycle of destructive communication. You
won't be heard, and you won't find solutions.
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How might
I make contact work better?
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The Joseph Rowntree Foundation Report:
Making Contact Work (October
2002) defined ‘working contact’ as:
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occurring without risk of physical or psychological harm to anyone;
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all parties committed to contact;
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all parties broadly satisfied with the current arrangements and not seeking
significant changes;
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Contact, on balance, being a positive experience for all parties.
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Researchers
identified two main ingredients critical for making contact work:
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Joint parental commitment and role bargain.
All parties were committed to
making contact work. Non-resident parents accepted their non-resident status
and did not challenge the status of, or denigrate or threaten the resident parent.
Resident parents actively supported and facilitated contact, for example by
suggesting or organising activities.
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Relationship skills. Parents were able
to work through inevitable difficulties and
establish a ‘good enough’ relationship. Parents had a realistic appraisal of
each other, accepting some disagreement was inevitable, but managing to
compromise or deal with problems in such a way that they did not escalate. A
presumption of ‘good intentions’ meant that differences in parenting style were
accepted as legitimate.
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By contrast,
researchers identified two main reasons why contact did not work:
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lack of parental commitment;
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high levels of parental conflict.
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‘Conflict over contact had a profound
impact on all parties involved. All the
children were very aware of the conflict between their parents. Some tried to
manage the conflict others tried to avoid it by going out as much as possible, or
rejected the contact parent’.
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There were ‘vicious’ circles’
and ‘virtuous’ circles. In the ‘not
working’arrangements parents became ever more frustrated or angry with each
other. Each portrayed the other in black and white terms and neither parent
could understand the behaviour of the other. In the ‘working’ contact
arrangements the commitment to contact and parents’ role bargains were often
in place early in the decision- making process. Parental relationships often
improved over time.
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How many meetings will we need?
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If you are discussing children’s
arrangements you will usually need 2 or 3
meetings. You may schedule a review meeting if you wish. If you are
discussing property and finance you will usually need between 3 and 5
meetings.
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What are the benefits of mediation?
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There are many benefits. Mediation is
less expensive (on average about half
the cost compared to cases where only solicitors are used); mediation avoids
the danger of polarisation that can take place in the legal arena, which works
on an adversarial basis; mediation gives you control of the outcome of the
decision making process; mediation gives you time and space to be heard
(many people feel that in the court arena their points are not heard).
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Do we have to be in the same room?
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Your initial meeting is on your own.
After that, if you wish, you will go on to a
joint meeting. The mediator will chair this meeting and will ensure that you have
time and space to be heard.
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Where can I find out more?
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Give us a ring at any time. You
may also wish to look at the website of National
Family Mediation, of which our service is a member.
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What if my ex-partner will not attend?
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People often think that ‘there is
no point in coming to the initial meeting
because my ex-partner will not be interested’. This may of course turn out to be
true. However, we find that in fact most people are prepared to give mediation
a try, once they understand that they can have an individual meeting to start off
with, with no obligation, and then once they have fully understood how
mediation can work to their benefit.
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What times do you hold appointments?
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We hold appointments during office hours
and on some evenings by
arrangement.
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What is the cost of mediation compared
to settlements
negotiated through solicitors?
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Mediation on
child issues is costed by the LSC at between £559 and £657.
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Mediation on child and financial issues
is costed at between £1,043 and
£1,182.
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Mediation on
financial issues only is costed at between £863 and £901.
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The estimated cost of a dispute about
children’s arrangements negotiated
through solicitors is between £2,000 and £3,000. The estimated cost of a
dispute about property and finance negotiated through solicitors is between
£1,000 and £5,000.
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How can I cope now that my relationship
has ended?
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It is normal to experience a range of
feelings at the end of any relationship or at
a time of change. It is most likely that you will go through different feelings at
different times, for example, sadness, despair, anger, rejection, loneliness,
helplessness or relief.
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Difficult feelings are likely to be stirred
up each time you meet the person
concerned. Consider how best to manage any decision-making that is
necessary: if a meeting is not manageable now, is a telephone call or e-mail
possible, or would mediation help?
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It can be useful to find ways of expressing
and understanding all the difficult
feelings you are likely to have. This can be with a non-judgemental friend or with
a counsellor. People often need to talk through the story of the relationship over
and over again. This is a normal route to recovery, which usually takes time and
can't be rushed.
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In terms of the children, whilst it is
normal for children to see that parents are
sad, they should not become over-involved in your emotional upheaval. They
will of course have their own feelings to cope with and you need to be as
available as possible to help them. Their feelings may be similar to yours but
may also be different. This is a difficult time for everyone and it is reasonable to
seek support for you and for them.
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Time will help you recover. On the way
to recovery, it is important to look after
yourself and to seek help and support in a way that feels right for you.
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What is the role of grandparents
and other special friends?
Grandparents, aunts and uncles, godparents,
carers and other friends can all play
an important role in supporting your child at the time of separation they can love the
child unconditionally, listen without judging, enjoy the child’s company, and be a
source of stability in a changing environment.
These people can help by not passing judgement
on the situation, but by keeping
channels of communication open and not encouraging the child to takes sides.
Children benefit from having a wide circle of interested and supportive adults.
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Do I need to have my own solicitor?
Mediators must act impartially between
the couple in mediation. This means that
they cannot give legal advice to either party. You are therefore advised to consult a
solicitor alongside mediation so that you can negotiate with your partner at
mediation on a properly informed basis.
It is up to you how often you consult
your solicitor. Some clients find it helpful to seek
some initial advice before coming to mediation, others wait until all the financial
information has been disclosed or until proposals have been put or, of course, if
they are concerned about a particular issue.
People are often anxious about the cost
of obtaining legal advice, but you may be
eligible for Public Funding.
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What are the service standards?
We base our standards on the comments
made by those who have kindly given us
feedback on their experience of the service. We aim to give a courteous, efficient,
professional and friendly service and always to be open to our clients’ comments.
Telephone
Our telephone lines are open between 9.00am
and 5.00pm from Monday to Friday.
We aim to answer each call personally.
Outside these hours, or when all lines are
engaged (or when we have staff training) an answer machine will take calls. We
aim to respond to these calls within one working day. You can expect all our staff to
be friendly and courteous and to give you clear and helpful answers to your
questions. If they are not able to give you an answer then they will be able to direct
you to another source of information.
Letters and emails
We aim to acknowledge letters and emails
within 5 working days.
Appointments
We aim to offer initial appointments -
whether joint meetings or individual sessions -
within 10 working days. Mediation meetings are arranged to take account of the
diaries of both parties: we aim to offer options within 10 working days.
Attending meetings
When you come to the service you can expect
a friendly and polite welcome and a
comfortable waiting area. You will be able to wait separately from your ex-partner,
unless you wish otherwise. We aim to start your meeting on time and certainly
within a few minutes of the appointed time. If the mediator is delayed for
unavoidable reasons you will be kept informed and asked whether you are able to
wait. The meeting will finish by the scheduled time unless agreed otherwise. After
the meeting is finished you will be able to leave separately if you wish. Unless you
are publicly funded you will be asked to pay the fee for the mediation session at the
end of the meeting.
After meetings
A summary letter can be sent, if agreed
with the mediator. We aim to send this
within 5 working days. At the end of the mediation process we aim to send
documents outlining proposals and financial schedules, if appropriate within 10
working days.
Comments, suggestions and complaints
After you have finished coming to the
service a questionnaire will be sent to each of
you. We welcome comments, suggestions and complaints because they give us a
chance to improve our service. Please talk to the mediator or member of staff
concerned, or if you are not comfortable with this, please telephone or write to the
Practice Manager. We aim to acknowledge all complaints within 3 working days,
and to investigate and respond within 10 further working days. We pay careful
attention to all suggestions and are grateful for them.
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1. What our Clients Say
